


What Is This Feeling?

by melbournestation



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Fluff, M/M, Protective Steve, Steve Rogers Feels, maybe some smut later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-05-02 02:02:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5229638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melbournestation/pseuds/melbournestation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some feelings were easy to figure out. Smiling was good. Laughing was good. Steve did that a lot. Frowns meant anger or disappointment, which were bad (he had figured this out when he was with Hydra and didn’t need to relearn it). Crying meant sadness or pain, or it showed weakness, which were all bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Steve worried about Bucky all the time. Every time there was one of those feelings hovering over their conversations or a pause that Steve must have thought was a few seconds too long, Steve would ask if Bucky was ok. Even if Steve didn’t ask, he would give that look-eyes all full of concern, sometimes a little watery, and his lips would open and close the slightest bit as if he were about to say something-that asked anyway. Bucky always told Steve that he was ok, regardless of how he actually felt at that moment. And really that’s what all he could say about how he felt in any place. There was so much he was unsure about and needed to know and was far too scared to ask, but he was mentally stable enough to function and he had Steve who he knew would take care of him and who he genuinely trusted. And that was ok enough to say.

 

Most of Bucky’s time was spent trying to hide his almost constant state of confusion as he tried to decipher what of his memory was real, what he had been told, and what he had dreamed. It wasn’t that he was scared of asking Steve everything (well, some things he was just plain scared to ask. Those things were filed away in a part of his brain that he tried to ignore and ask only when it was completely and absolutely necessary). He just wanted to be able to work through things on his own and not completely rely on Steve. With Hydra, Bucky could not be independent. He could not be alone ever if not on a mission. And when he was on a mission, his mind would never allow him to deviate from his assignment anyhow. That was part of why Bucky kept most things to himself and figured them out on his own through observation. He was used to not asking questions and it was one of the things from his past that people didn’t ask him about. Sometimes he got his answers best from just watching how people interacted. He could go days at a time in silence, just watching, and on more than one occasion he did. This was one of those occasions.

 

Bucky had calculated that it had been a total of 62 hours since he had nestled himself in this little perch at Stark’s tower. He had been watching people come and go from his place tucked in a dark corner behind the bar. He wasn’t hiding; A few people had made eye contact, they exchanged polite nods, but nobody bothered him. That was the way Bucky liked things sometimes. Steve didn’t know Bucky knew, but Steve hated when Bucky was quiet. Bucky’s acute senses always caught the way that Steve would force his smiles just a little more so he could look ok. Or the way that Steve would purposefully try to not look at Bucky for a while in an attempt to give him some space (Steve would usually use the reflection of a window or would talk to someone facing away from Bucky solely so he could steal quick glances, but Bucky always knew).

 

Bucky knew that Steve liked talking to him-it was why that he couldn’t quite figure out. From Bucky’s observations, Steve was happiest when they were talking. Usually if it was Bucky who was doing the actual talking and especially if they had some sort of physical contact. The hard part about this was that Bucky couldn’t tell what part of this was real or what part he had made up in his head. Because Bucky very much liked talking to Steve. He had a fear that he only thought Steve liked him because he himself liked Steve. Being around Steve caused Bucky to have strange feelings-warmth and a soft tightness in his chest and a kind of gravity toward Steve. He didn’t know if they were necessarily good or bad and that was what scared him. Some feelings were easy to figure out. Smiling was good. Laughing was good. Steve did that a lot. Frowns meant anger or disappointment, which were bad (he had figured this out when he was with Hydra and didn’t need to relearn it). Crying meant sadness or pain, or it showed weakness, which were all bad.

 

Feelings were so hard for Bucky to understand. They were so personal and he had figured out that they were things normal people didn’t have to talk about. They already had their feelings figured out and didn’t think about it. He wanted so badly to be normal. He wanted to be normal and ok for Steve. Wait, why for Steve? Something in his head firmly pressed, saying

_Because Steve matters_

As quickly as the thought had entered his mind, so did that feeling. It brought another, stranger feeling with it this time. His chest felt tight and his eyes were stinging. Crying showed weakness. Crying was bad. Bucky stood and took a few steps. He shook his head and the feeling went away a little. Ok, he would be fine. It was already going away.

 

He knew Steve would still be in the building, probably on the same floor. Steve and Bucky had an apartment for just the two of them, but Steve never liked to leave Bucky for too long when he was having one of his quiet, observational times. He usually stayed in or around the area and only left when he had to. It wasn’t hard to find him. Bucky could practically sense him and found him alone in one of Stark’s lounge rooms. Steve was standing at the window, leaning against the frame. He turned around the second Bucky opened the door.

“Bucky?”

He wore the same worried expression as usual, but his face lit up behind his eyes a little. That was good, Bucky decided. Bucky took a few tentative steps into the room and Steve approached him quickly, standing close but still a few feet away. The question was on his lips again, Bucky knew and waited for him to ask. The new, weird feeling from before was back and he was starting to think that it was one of the bad feelings.

“You ok?”

Bucky nodded slowly. He felt his throat go a little tight and his eyes water. He opened his mouth but couldn’t quite get his words to come out. “I…I…” Bucky looked down at the floor and creased his brow in confusion. He decided that this was definitely a bad feeling. This wasn’t something normal people have. “Buck?” Steve sometimes called him that. He wasn’t sure why, but it made him feel a little better sometimes. Unfortunately, this was not one of those times. Bucky managed to look back up and tried to avoid looking too deeply into Steve’s eyes.

“I…I want to go h-home…”

His voice cracked and he felt like parts of him were cracking inside and out. He didn’t remember ever having called their apartment home before but it sounded right. Steve nodded his head quickly, eyes soft with concern.

“Ok. Ok, we can go home.”

Bucky shrunk in on himself a little as they turned back towards the door to leave. Steve never missed Bucky’s small movements like this and always (somehow) knew exactly what to do. Steve put his hand on the small of Bucky’s back gently as they made their way down to the garage.

“I brought the bike. I hope that’s ok…”

Steve said this cautiously. Bucky nodded again, afraid to speak for what might happen if he did. He and Steve had ridden the motorcycle together a handful of times. Steve assumed that Bucky didn’t like it because it required them to be pressed up against each other which makes most people uncomfortable. He usually preferred to take another vehicle if possible but right now, Bucky was actually grateful for the chance to be close to Steve. The engine and wind were loud enough that conversation wasn’t necessary. The ride back to the apartment would give Bucky some time to try and work out what he was feeling. Or maybe even figure out something to say. They got on and Steve started up the bike, pulling out of the garage. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist a little tighter than he usually did. He was desperate for contact and he didn’t know why, but all he could think was that Steve might float away from him. That somehow they would be separated again. But this time Bucky knew what he would be missing.

 

At a stoplight, Steve put his hand over Bucky’s flesh one and rubbed soft circle over his skin with thumb. Bucky hadn’t realized, but he was squeezing Steve so tightly that it must have hurt (especially with his metal arm) and tried to loosen his grip, if only in his left arm. He also hadn’t realized that he was burying his face into Steve’s back, but he was. He forced himself to look up and ended up resting his chin on Steve’s shoulder. When the light turned green, Bucky burrowed his face back into Steve’s shoulder blade and closed his eyes, waiting out the rest of the ride.

“Buck? Bucky, we’re here. We’re back”

Steve spoke softly and Bucky wasn’t quite sure what had just happened. He hadn’t fallen asleep; he remembered pulling up to the building and Steve turning off the engine, but he must have zoned out in those few seconds after. Bucky released his grip from around Steve’s waist, which he hadn’t realized had grown so tight. Steve was either too polite or too otherwise concerned to say anything-probably both. Bucky shook his head, trying to clear his mind a little, and forced himself to get off the bike. He stood next to the bike feeling horribly cold and lonely despite the fact that Steve was right there and it took him less than a few seconds to get off himself. Bucky looked at Steve and his eyes must have been filled with some sort emotion that was under the ‘bad’ category because Steve frowned a bit. Frowning was bad. Frowns meant anger or disappointment.

_Oh no, what did I do?_

It seemed like Steve was reading Bucky’s mind. He put his arm around Bucky’s waist and guided him up to their apartment. Bucky didn’t remember the walk up, didn’t remember Steve unlocking the door, but now Bucky was stepping inside. He could feel Steve reach back to close the door, stretching a bit so he could keep his hand on Bucky. Sometimes Bucky zoned out like that-usually after being alone with his thoughts for too long-and Steve would always try to make sure Bucky was safe and comfortable. There was something different this time. And Bucky was certain that Steve could feel it too.

 

Steve led Bucky to the couch and sat down next to him. Steve was going to give Bucky a chance to say whatever he wanted first. He always let Bucky speak first if Bucky felt like talking. Bucky was still trying to figure out what was going on in his mind and had resorted to staring at the coffee table.

_What am I supposed to say? What is he thinking right now?_

He made a quick glance up at Steve then down again as swiftly as he could. It was just enough that Bucky could read his face a little. He was still frowning. Bad. But the look in his eyes was inviting and…caring. Good? What Bucky had deemed the ‘new bad feeling’ came back. Or maybe it had never really left-it just got a little worse. Bucky opened his mouth and tried to speak. The sounds that came out of his mouth were not words. They were small, quiet, croaky. Almost like small hisses as he tried to speak. His brain didn’t know where to start, let alone what to tell his mouth. He closed his mouth and glared at the coffee table. Steve leaned forward and scooted a little closer to Bucky on the couch. He put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, heavy but it was a comforting, reassuring weight. “It’s alright, Buck. Just take your time” After another short staring contest with the edge of the coffee table, Bucky tried speaking again.

“I…I don’t understand feelings”

“Feelings?”

Bucky nodded slowly, still not looking back up. He furrowed his brow, trying to concentrate and force things into making sense.

“What do you mean, Buck?”

“I don’t think mine are normal.” He felt his chest tighten a little more

“Why wouldn’t they be?” Bucky stole another quick glance at Steve, who was trying very hard to get eye contact with him. Bucky looked down again, not quite ready.

“Hardly anybody talks about their feelings. And when they do…I don’t think mine are the same. I’m not normal”

“Well, what is it that you’re feeling exactly?”

 

That was exactly where it got tricky. Bucky squinted and cocked his head to the side, thinking. Steve made a sound. Was it a sigh? Sighs meant disappointment, just like frowns.

_Am I disappointing him? How long have I been?_

Bucky looked over, already starting to form his apology “I’m s-“ Steve cut him off.

“Don’t you dare apologize”

Bucky’s mouth had been hanging open and he clamped it shut.

“Bucky, there is no ‘normal’. Everybody is different and that’s ok. You don’t need to apologize for trying to figure things out”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Well, you can start by talking to me. I’m here for you, Buck. I have been and I always will be”

 

Steve’s eyes were still so inviting and he grew a small, soft smile. Bucky had the overwhelming feeling that he wanted to just tell Steve everything and curl up next to him. But that’s not what normal people do. Bucky forced himself to take a few deep breaths and fought between looking at Steve and the coffee table again. He could feel some of the tightness pulling at his chest and throat again.

“It’s…when I…it’s with you. I’m different with you.”

“With me?”

Bucky nodded “I don’t want to be with you all the time. I still want to go and do things on my own, but when I’m with you…I want to stay with you. I don’t want to leave.”

Steve’s face was full of concern again “I just want to help you, Buck. Just tell me what you need. Or what you want.”

“I…” Bucky shut his mouth, thinking. Steve waited. “I want to be close to you…I want to touch you…” Bucky trailed off. This is not what normal people do.

 

Steve let out a small laugh. Not mean, he was trying to get Bucky to feel better. “You can touch me all you want, Bucky. Never bothered me before.” Bucky looked over at him. “I’m not supposed to tell you things about the past unless you ask, but I don’t think this’ll hurt. When we were…before…you used to want to touch all the time. You’d always be right up next to me tryin’ to keep me warm in the winter, or keep me from getting sick. Then after the serum, you said it was like you weren’t sure I was real. Always had a hand on my arm or sat real close, and we’d still end up sleeping next to each other because that’s just how we were.”

_How we were_

The words stuck in Bucky’s head. ‘Were’ meant the past. It’s what they used to be like, but things had changed. He didn’t really realize he was asking until the word was out of his mouth “Were?” He also didn’t realize his throat was going to seize up when he spoke. The word sounded croaky, sad, like he was going to cry. Crying was bad.

Steve caught it immediately “Oh Buck, it’s not like that. We can still touch if you want.” In saying this, Steve put his arm around Bucky’s shoulder protectively. “You know I’m here for you for whatever you need, physical or otherwise.” Before he could stop himself, Bucky curled closer under Steve’s arm. Bucky felt his chest seize up tighter. His skin felt like a shirt that was three sizes too small. He took a breath, which came and went shakily. Steve was the next to speak.

“I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with, Buck. But I know there’s something in that head of yours that you want to talk about.”

 

Bucky shrugged. Shrugs were noncommittal. People didn’t question shrugs. Steve wasn’t really a normal person either though.

 

“Hey…” He was trying to get Bucky to look at him. Should he? “Bucky..”

Bucky decided that yes, he should.

“Come on, Buck. Talk to me”

 

Bucky tried to speak. He wanted to but he couldn’t put a single thought together, let alone force his mouth to cooperate and form the sentence. All he could see right now was Steve’s face. How his blue eyes were so overwhelmingly beautiful in this moment. How his breath was so close to Bucky’s skin that he could feel it. How chapped those lips were from their ride home, yet also looked dreadfully soft and Bucky wanted to touch them.


	2. Chapter 2

There was so much going on in Bucky’s head right now. He didn’t know where all of this emotion had come from. Didn’t know where this sudden desire for physical contact had come from. Didn’t understand why his heart beat a little faster when he was looking at Steve now. He still wanted to touch Steve’s lips. Thinking about it in this second, he wanted to touch Steve’s everything. His mind was racing, yet he felt like there was nothing in his head. He felt heavy and drained from this emotional confusion, yet light and airy like he might float away lazily. Steve was giving him a look. That look-the one all full of worry and care. 

“Talk to me, Bucky, please. It’s ok. Whatever it is, it’s ok. And if it’s not, i’ll make it ok”

Steve’s eyes weren’t just filled with concern anymore. Bucky could see them growing more watery as they filled with tears, which made his own eyes sting more. Bucky knew if he tried to speak, he’d be unsuccessful, just like the last few times. He pursed his lips and looked at Steve. Steve’s arm was still around his shoulder and their thighs were pressed together on the couch. Steve was going to say something else. Surely he would. He decided he would wait for Steve to say something else first.

After another pause, “We don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to. Do you even feel like talkin’ right now?” 

Bucky stared at Steve blankly for a second, thinking, then slowly shook his head ‘no’. He could feel his lip start to quiver and thought he felt a tear threaten to spill over. Crying was bad. He blinked his eyes and bit down on his lip as soon as he felt it. A small, choked sound escaped his throat as he tried to swallow the lump. Of course, Steve caught this and his own vision blurred at the edges as the waiting tears got closer to the edge.  
Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky, quickly and comfortingly pulling him into his chest. Bucky couldn’t take it anymore. Crying was bad, but he couldn’t help himself. He buried his face in Steve’s chest and sobbed, gripping Steve’s shirt with both hands. He could feel his nose starting to run, his body shaking, and his chest heaving as he gulped for air between sobs. He could only think of how this was too much. It was all too much. He couldn’t go on living and not being ok-not being normal.

“I-I c-can’t…I can’t d-do it…I can’t, Stevie…I-I’m s-sorry…” he bawled as he pulled Steve’s shirt in his fists. He felt a few strings pop under his metal fingers, but he didn’t care. 

Steve ran his hands up and down Bucky’s back comfortingly and tried to speak softly “Shh…you don’t need to apologize…Not to me. Not for anything…What is it you can’t do…?”

“I can’t be n-normal…I-I can’t do it…”

“Shh…Of course you can, Buck. You’re doing so good already…” Steve tried to keep a lightness in his voice for Bucky’s benefit “Whoever cared for normal anyway? You’re perfect the way you are”

Bucky shook his head, burrowing deeper into Steve’s chest. He just wanted to escape everything on the outside. “N-no I’m not…No I’m not…” He didn’t deserve Steve. He had caused Steve so much pain and Steve should have been able to go on with his life. Without having to be stuck with Bucky and all of the problems he brought. “I shouldn’t even be alive…” he wailed.

At this, Steve’s hands froze. His whole body tensed and he looked down at Bucky, only seeing the long brown hair on the top and back of his head. He grabbed Bucky by the shoulders and, maybe not as gently as he should have, pushed him away to arm’s length so he could look into his face. Steve’s eyes were filled with rage and Bucky flinched a little. Steve forced Bucky to look at him as he spoke while angry tears rolled from his eyes.

This is it. This is where it all ends. This is where he turns you away.

“Don’t you EVER say that again.” Steve’s voice was deep and almost threatening.

Bucky sniffled and tried to think of how to protest. He knew exactly why he wasn’t good enough. He had hurt people. He had let other people convince him to hurt people. He knew Steve would be better off without him. Knew Steve could be free to go on with his life, save the world without Bucky. He sniffled again, wiped his eyes roughly “But it’s tr-“

Steve grabbed Bucky by the jaw, firmly but not painfully, so he couldn’t look away. He spoke slowly with that infuriated fire in his eyes.

“Don’t you ever say that you shouldn’t be alive. Don’t ever think that you aren’t good enough because you are my world. I already thought you were dead once and it killed me.” Steve’s voice shook a bit on that last sentence. He swallowed and spoke again with newfound strength. “I know what it’s like to live in this world without you and I can’t do it again. Don’t you ever tell me that you shouldn’t be here today.” 

He glared at Bucky expectantly. Bucky could feel the tightness in his chest and around his throat (and not only because Steve’s hand was there). He tried to swallow around the lump formed in his throat from crying and his breaths ended up very shaky. Steve was still looking at him. 

He’s waiting. He’s always the one waiting for me

Bucky spoke finally, soft and quiet. A small nod accompanied his whispered “ok”

Steve pulled Bucky back into a hug and Bucky rested his chin on Steve’s shoulder, trying to take deep breaths and keep himself from crying again. One of Steve’s hands was running up and down Bucky’s side, tracing soft lines over the tense muscles hidden in Bucky’s shirt. His other hand rested on the back of Bucky’s neck, holding Bucky to him protectively.

“You are more important to me than you could ever possibly imagine. You aren’t just my best friend-you’re so much more than that…I…”

Steve trailed off, slightly overwhelmed. Bucky lowered his mouth to where Steve’s neck and shoulder met. He nosed up against Steve’s neck, squeezing his eyes shut and breathing Steve in. Steve took a few shaky breaths, trying to calm himself down. He could feel Bucky’s arms around him; His metal fingers were tightly gripping a balled-up part of his shirt and the flesh arm was wrapped around Steve’s waist. Steve thought of Bucky’s face when he had yelled at him. He seemed hurt, scared. He looked like he was going to keep crying. Steve knew that it needed to be said, but he wished it didn’t have to have been said like that. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you” Steve whispered.

“I’m sorry I said that to make you yell at me” 

Steve could feel the relaxed breath escape Bucky’s lips when he spoke, but his voice was still a little quiet and sad, serious. Steve pulled back slightly, having Bucky look at him.

“Hey” He spoke softly, lovingly “I know this has all gotta be hard on you, but I want you to know that I’m here for you”

“I know” Bucky whispered, looking down out of Steve’s eyes.

Steve let his fingers tangle into the hair at the back of Bucky’s head. Bucky leaned into the touch like a cat waiting to be pet. He noticed the new bad feeling taking hold of his chest again, but opted to ignore it. He wanted to stay like this with Steve, if just for a little while.


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky didn’t remember exactly how they made it to Steve’s bedroom. He kept having the light, airy, floating-away feeling where everything felt like a dream. They were sitting on the couch and Steve was holding him close. Part of his memory had blacked out. There was darkness before his mind jumped strangely to the next recollection.

You were sleeping.

Steve had felt so warm and safe and Bucky wanted to stay in his arms forever. He remembered thinking that that wasn’t what normal people thought about their friends. That was what people thought about people they were in relationships with. The next thing he remembered was floating. Or was it something else? He could still feel Steve’s arms around him, but there was a weightlessness now. 

Carried. Steve carried you

Yes. Maybe that was it. That sounded right. Either way, somehow he had ended up in Steve’s room. There was a small hallway, on the other side of which was the door to Bucky’s room. Bucky could see the door to his room but felt no desire to get up. For the first time in a very long time, he felt…warm.  
Steve was still beside him. Or was it under? They were laying next to each other and Bucky had his head resting on Steve’s chest. He could feel the soft rise and fall of Steve’s chest as his own eyes fluttered open and closed tiredly. Bucky settled deeper and breathed in Steve’s familiar and comforting scent, feeling a bit deprived. Steve always smelled like warm, clean things; Laundry fresh out of the dryer, soft-scented candles. Bucky hadn't allowed himself to think about this, but oh how wonderful it felt…He could lay here forever  
Bucky suddenly felt consciously aware of where he was and sat bolt upright. Steve’s arms around him loosened in surprise and Steve sat up too, taken aback. 

This isn’t what normal people think about their friends.

“Bucky? You ok?”

Bucky looked around the room frantically “I-I’m not supposed to be here”

Steve let out a half-disappointed sigh “Bucky…”

Bucky shook his head “This is your room..I-I have to go back…to my own room”

“You don’t have to go, Buck. Not if you don’t want to”

Bucky pulled his knees into his chest and fisted his hands in his hair. “Normal…I have to be normal…just be normal…” he muttered to himself as he took deep breaths. Steve frowned at the back of Bucky’s head. He reached out and put his hands on Bucky’s back, running smooth, comforting circles with his fingers. 

“Don’t say that, Bucky. There’s no such thing as ‘normal’ and you don’t have to worry about it”

Steve twisted his fingers gently into Bucky’s hair again and waited patiently for him to calm down.

“I’m sorry this is so hard on you, Bucky. I’m sorry I don’t know how to help you.”

Bucky slowly leaned back and sat up against the headboard next to Steve. Steve put his arm around Bucky’s shoulder and Bucky allowed himself to lean into it. Bucky was thinking deeply and wasn’t quite sure how to tell Steve what had crossed his mind. He waited a few moments, taking deep, contemplating breaths.

“I…I think I know…why I’m not normal…why my feelings aren’t normal” He furrowed his brow as his thoughts pieced together.

Steve let out another sigh. Sighs meant disappointment. “Bucky…”

Don’t let Steve be disappointed in you.

Bucky rushed to explain himself “I think we’re not supposed to be friends. Maybe something less…or more…” He squinted again, unsure “I’m…I’m not sure…”

Steve looked down at Bucky, watching the mix of determination and confusion spread across his face. Steve stared off into space again and pulled his arm a little tighter around Bucky, who offered no complaint. 

“Do you remember what I said earlier?”

Bucky nodded matter-of-factly. He remembered anything and everything Steve ever said-whether it was earlier or later was irrelevant. Steve chuckled softly at the focused look he knew Bucky would have as he searched for whatever it was Steve had said.

“I told you not to ever think you weren’t good enough because you-“

“‘are my world’” Bucky recited with him.

Steve chuckled again and nodded “Yes, that. It wasn’t a lie…” Steve took Bucky’s hand and played with his metal fingers absentmindedly. “you are so important to me, Bucky…”

Bucky looked up at Steve and hadn’t even realized that he had rested his head on Steve’s shoulder. Surprisingly, Steve wasn’t looking at him-he was staring down at their interlaced fingers. 

“I don’t even think ‘important’ is the right word. I can’t even think of what my life would be like without you. I feel like if I lose you again…” Steve’s voice caught and his eyes looked watery and sad again. 

Bucky pulled Steve’s hand closer and curled up under his arm, suddenly feeling very small. He was almost scared to speak but that damaged look in Steve’s eyes… 

“Stevie?” Bucky practically squeaked. He hated that his voice sounded so small and quiet, but that wasn’t important. He had never seen Steve like this-so dark, hurt, scared-just at the idea of something.

Steve shook his head “I don’t want to think about it.” He looked down at Bucky then and lost some of the defined hardness he had acquired. “Hey, it’s ok…it’s ok” He wrapped his arms around Bucky’s shoulders and Bucky buried his face into Steve’s chest. “I didn’t mean to scare you or anything, Buck. I just hate to see you hurting like that.” Steve ran his hand gently over Bucky’s head, combing through his now tangly hair.  
They sat like that for a long time; Bucky had relaxed and stopped hugging Steve so hard long ago but neither could bring themselves to move. Bucky had turned his head so that his nose wasn’t squished into Steve’s chest and closed his eyes, content to lay there forever. Steve was still absentmindedly running his fingers through Bucky’s hair and Bucky loved everything about this moment.  
Bucky’s mind was wandering. Wandering over everything that had to do with Steve and how contradictory he was with everything. Normal people didn’t pay Bucky special attention. Not quite the way that Steve did. Normal people didn’t talk about their feelings, but Steve always wanted to make sure Bucky was ok with his. Bucky had watched people for days, sometimes weeks, at a time and nobody was quite like Steve. Bucky and Steve weren’t normal; They weren’t friends with each other like they were with everyone else- they were too close for that- but could they really call it a relationship? What would that mean? Did Steve even want that?  
Something in Bucky’s mind had run back to the ‘safe zone’ as he like to call it. The Winter Soldier’s way of thinking that he sometimes retreated back to when he thought he was overthinking. Think analytically, logically. Use what you know is real. Steve cares for you-yes. You care for Steve-yes. You enjoy spending time with Steve-yes. Steve respects your solitude-yes. Steve has always been there for you-yes. Possible ulterior motive?-absolutely not.  
Bucky shook his head and Steve’s hand stopped, taken a little by surprise. Bucky noticed but was too absorbed in this thought. There was no way Steve would do anything to hurt him. Never. He had made that clear. He still couldn’t quite figure out why Steve thought he was important (file that away for ‘special occasion’ questions) but he would accept it if it made Steve happy. He would do anything to make Steve happy and if it made himself happy in the process, well, that would be ok too. 

Back in the real world, Steve gently rested his hand on Bucky’s head again.

“Bucky? Can I ask you something?”

“Ok”

“What can I do to make you happy? Just you. Not anyone else-Not to make you feel ‘normal’. Just you. What does Bucky want?”

He reads you like a goddamned open book

Bucky smiled a little and shrugged “I just like it when you’re happy”

Steve breathed out a small laugh “I said you, not anyone else”

Bucky shrugged again simply “I like when you smile and laugh and stuff. It makes me feel like I don’t have to think so much about everything…like everything’s going to be ok for a while and I can relax” 

“ok. I’ll have to think about that” Steve’s voice was light and Bucky could practically see the easy smile on his lips. “Is there anything else? Have you found anything new here that you like?”

Bucky made himself think for a while. What was there to think about if not the strange silent language of human interaction? Or the phenomenon that was Steve Rogers? Let alone liking things. 

“I like…I…I like…I don’t know…” Bucky laughed. How long had it been since he’d done that?

Steve laughed too. Laughing was good. So was smiling. “Come on, Buck, give me something-anything here.”

“I like…I like your room. It’s a lot more…comfortable in here” That was a start, right?

“Well, that’s a start. You can come in here whenever you want. We can even switch rooms if you want” 

Bucky opened his eyes and frowned, shaking his head. Steve looked down at Bucky with a confused curiosity. Bucky spoke again.

“Can I ask…tell you…ask? I guess there’s two things”

Steve laughed again “Of course, Bucky. Go ahead”

“I think…I like your room because it’s yours…because you’re in it”

“Ok…what do you mean by that?”

“That’s the other thing”

In the silence, Bucky turned and looked up at Steve for a second. Steve raised an eyebrow, but he had that soft, inviting smile. Bucky put his head back down and shifted more comfortably on Steve’s chest. The ‘new bad feeling’ that had started all this had changed into something else. Being so close to Steve, Bucky felt warm and safe, not like the nervous fear that had choked him before. There was still the occasional tense pull at his heart or catch in his throat when he thought about or tried to speak sometimes. He thought he was finally starting to figure some things out and was pretty sure he was acquiring a ‘new good feeling’ like this with Steve.

“What I said before about being independent? I still want to do that-be able to do things by myself-but I don’t want to not be around you”

“What do you mean by that, Bucky? Do you want me to give you some more space…?”

Bucky shook his head quickly and gripped Steve’s shirt again tightly, as if he thought Steve might blow away. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s shoulders protectively and hugged him close.

“It’s ok, shh…I’m not going anywhere. You just gotta tell me what you want.”

Steve traced his finger along Bucky’s jawline and pulled up under his chin gently so Bucky would look at him.

“You don’t have to be scared, just tell me. What is it that you want?”

Bucky looked up at Steve and opened and closed his mouth, searching for the words.

“I…I’m not…I don’t know how to explain it.”

“It’s ok, Bucky. Just take your time, I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

After some more contemplation, Bucky tried again “I want to be with you…all the time…like the people I see out there. They all have someone that they are…with…” What was that word? What was that feeling they possessed for each other? That special something that pulled couples together…

You love him

Steve ran his finger along Bucky’s jaw softly as he spoke “You mean you want to be in a relationship?”

“I think so…I want to be able to be close to you. To sit next to you and touch you. To come and stay with you…” Bucky looked down, slightly ashamed. This wasn’t going how he wanted it at all.

It’s love. Just say it

Steve stroked his chin gently again to pull his gaze back. Bucky had felt his eyes stinging again, sure that this announcement would lead back to the ‘new bad feeling’. When Bucky looked up, Steve was smiling soft but encouragingly. 

“I want that too, Buck”

Bucky took a quick breath, preparing himself for what he was about to say and knowing he would probably end up fumbling through it. 

“I think I…Steve…I…Steve” Steve was giving him that ‘it’s ok, I’m right here’ look again “Steve…I think…I love you…”

Steve wrapped both of his arms around Bucky again as he started to cry. 

What have you done?

Steve ducked his head down close and held tight to Bucky. Between his soft cries there were…laughs? Bucky could practically feel the smile on Steve’s lips through his skin. Steve had taken a few gulps of air and was still crying but that was definitely laughter.

“I…I have waited…70 long years…to hear you say that again…”


	4. Chapter 4

Once again, Bucky could not be sure how long he and Steve had laid there or how long they would stay like this-with Steve sitting up against the headboard and holding Bucky close with those strong, warm arms and Bucky being able to lay his head on Steve’s chest. Once again, Bucky didn’t care. Periodically, he or Steve might laugh or start crying again, but they were together in this moment and it could last as long as they wanted. Maybe crying wasn’t necessarily all bad. Bucky had been able to tell Steve he loved him (even if he hadn’t realized it for himself until a few hours ago) and shortly after this proclamation, Steve had said the same. Bucky’s heart had swelled so much with Steve’s statement. It was only 3 words, 4 if he counted the use of his name, but Bucky felt the power the words held.  
Bucky had stopped crying (for the moment) and could feel his eyelashes sticking together. He could feel the wet spots left on Steve’s shirt under his cheek. Could taste the saltiness from where he didn’t know the tears had dripped down to his lip. He wondered if Steve could feel it too-probably. He wondered if Steve cared-probably not. Either way, the strange dryness on his cheek was starting to bother him. Bucky crinkled his nose, shifted a bit and could feel Steve look down at him

“All right?”

Bucky nodded and snuggled in closer, nosing his way up so he could rest his forehead against Steve’s neck. Bucky noted that he could feel the calm, low pulse that beat through Steve and decided he liked it-liked that he could feel Steve so alive and so close.

“Can I tell you something, Bucky?”

Nod.

“I don’t want you to get any impressions or feel pressured or anything-“

“Just shut up and tell me” Bucky breathed out another laugh. 

Steve laughed too “Ok, ok. I like when you’re a snuggle bug like this-I always did”

Bucky pulled back to look at Steve and raise an eyebrow. Steve laughed again.

“Really, I really do like it.” Bucky put his head back down while Steve went on “Always have. Even when we were kids. I guess back then it was because I was sick so much and people were always lookin’ at me like I’d break in two, but you weren’t afraid to get close-I liked it. And like I told you before, you were always touchin’ me after the serum to make sure I was still real. We’d stay up and talk all the time and you’d hold my hand real close to your chest like a security blanket-maybe that was so you knew Hydra hadn’t found you again” Steve broke off here to laugh again “Some mornings, I’d wake up and you’d have arms and legs all over me. And I’d just go back to sleep and wait for you to wake up on your own.” Steve paused with a defeated sigh. Bucky looked up but Steve was staring off into space with that sad, regretful look in his eyes. “There were a bunch a times I just wanted to curl up with you and hope neither of us would have to let go”  
Steve had taken Bucky’s hand and was absentmindedly playing with his fingers again. That look of Steve’s seemed to trigger the ‘new bad feeling’ and Bucky’s voice squeaked a little when he spoke.

“But we can do that now right? Can’t we, Stevie?”

The corner of Steve’s lip pulled up in the beginning of a smile “Yeah, I guess so. But i don’t want you feelin’ like you have to just because I said it”

“Could we do it anyway? Because I wanted to?”

Steve looked down at Bucky, whose face was a mixture of hurt and pleading. Steve shook his head a bit and sighed as he pulled him in closer anyway “Bucky…I love being able to be close to you…but don’t feel like I’m putting ideas in your head or anything. It’s not a big deal. Really.”

Bucky shook his head and wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist as he nosed into Steve’s neck. “want to…” he mumbled against Steve’s throat. 

“Bucky…”

“Mmrr…” came the irritated, impatient groan as Bucky stretched and shifted against Steve.

Steve breathed out a half-defeated laugh “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

“But you love me” Bucky smiled. Steve laughed and Bucky paused. Steve leaned down and gently pressed his forehead against Bucky’s, closing his eyes softly and making himself comfortable. He did love him right? Of course-he had just said so. Although…it wouldn’t hurt to hear him say it again to check. Bucky rested his chin on Steve’s shoulder and looked up at Steve through his eyelashes “Right?”

Steve didn’t open up his eyes, but his smile said it all. He pressed a soft, gentle kiss to Bucky’s forehead “More than you could ever imagine”

* * * *  
Bucky deemed getting up the next morning as one of the absolute worst things to ever happen. He hadn’t woken up alone with the beeping sound of an alarm, like he had every other morning when he was in his own room. He had been awakened by Steve gently brushing hair out of his face and running his thumb across his cheekbone, speaking softly. 

“Bucky…Bucky…we have to get up, sweetheart…”

Bucky groaned and turned away from the morning light, into Steve’s shoulder “No…”

Steve had laughed at that-a soft, tired laugh of someone that didn’t want to leave either-and stroked Bucky’s cheek softly. “Come on, Buck…you know we have to”

Bucky shook his head and burrowed into the warmth of Steve’s neck, curling closer to him. Bucky felt a coolness as the blanket was pulled away. When had that even gotten there? He had no idea but he knew he wanted it back. Steve was starting to sit up and Bucky frowned, squeezing his eyes shut. 

Steve laughed again and pressed another kiss to Bucky’s forehead. He let his lips rest there in an easy smile as he spoke “We can’t just lay here forever, ya know”

“Why not…?” Bucky grumbled

Another easy laugh and Steve sat all the way up, dragging Bucky with him. “Come on, ya big snuggle bug. We have stuff to do.” Steve swung his feet over the edge of the bed and stood, stopping to look at Bucky’s tired form curl in on itself defiantly. Steve started quietly rummaging through drawers, pulling out clothes and periodically glancing back to the bed where Bucky refused to move. Sighing with a smile, he walked over and squatted down next to the bed so he was eye level with Bucky-that would be, if Bucky had actually decided to open his eyes. 

“You gotta get up, Bucky”

“I don’t want to…” Bucky turned away, shaking his head ‘no’ against the pillow and squeezing his eyes shut tighter. He reached out blindly for Steve “Come back and sleep”

Steve easily dodged the arm. He put his hand on Bucky’s head, threading his fingers through that soft brown hair. Eventually, Bucky turned his head and half-opened his eyes to look at Steve with a frown. Steve couldn’t help but smile “Good morning”

“Morning” Bucky confirmed with a grumble

“Look, Bucky, we still gotta go to work-I do, at least.” Bucky squinted at Steve tiredly. That damned smile of Steve’s could convince Bucky to jump off a building if he asked. Bucky let out an irritated huff and slowly stretched, moving to get up. 

Steve laughed and reached out, taking Bucky’s hand and pulling him to stand “See, was that so hard?”

Bucky made a face and Steve pulled him close, kissing his forehead. “Come on, we’ll stop and get breakfast on the way” Steve bribed. The corner of Bucky’s lip pulled up, letting the hint of a smile slip through. Steve grinned “And we can come right back when we’re done”  
Bucky wandered back into his room and mindlessly picked clothes from his dresser and closet. Normal routine; get dressed, make bed, go to work with Steve. Seemed easy enough. Normal-like they had been doing since Bucky had moved in with Steve. But were things different now? Did they have to tell the team that he and Steve were together, unlike they had been before? What was normal protocol for this situation? Bucky wondered all of these things and more as he plucked his boots from the floor-when had they even come off?. Wondered what he should filter out and ask Steve and what he should just let go and figure out on his own.  
The ‘new bad feeling’ seemed to make its recurrences when he thought too much. He wasn’t sure what to make of that, but his immediate response was to get it to go away. Bucky changed his clothes and tried to will his brain to slow down. Steve would be sitting at the kitchen table waiting when Bucky came out of his room-like he always was, normal, routine. He walked to the door and put his hand on the doorknob slowly. He took a deep breath as he pulled the door open and took a step into the hallway. 

Just get to the kitchen. Get back to Steve and he’ll make it ok.

Bucky took light steps down the hallway, carrying his boots. He trailed his fingers along the wall as he walked. The texture of the drywall reminded Bucky of the thoughts in his own head. Smooth and rough at the same time. There had already been months for him to figure to figure things out for himself and how much had he really accomplished? A few small thoughts pieced together…A handful of normal thoughts every now and then…Nothing special, nothing a normal person couldn’t do in a matter of hours. But Steve…Steve had stayed with him. He didn’t know why, but Steve wanted to be with him. Steve had said he loved him.  
Bucky’s last few steps had been a little shaky and he was now grateful for the steadying wall. But he had reached the end of the hallway. Steve would be sitting in one of the chairs by the counter. He was probably looking at Bucky with that easy, tired smile. 

“S-Steve…?” Bucky hadn’t realized he was looking at the ground, but now he had to force his gaze up. Steve smile faded to that concerned look again.

Stay calm. Get to Steve.

Bucky made his way to the counter and sat down in the stool next to Steve, letting his boots drop to the floor. There was a little confusion and pain, but Steve was trying to give him the ‘it’s ok’ smile. Bucky softened and let his head droop over to Steve’s shoulder. 

“Steve” he breathed out.

Steve wrapped his arm around Bucky’s waist without missing a beat “What’s the matter, Buck?” He kissed the top of Bucky’s head and let his cheek rest against there “Hmm? What’s wrong?”

Bucky spoke softly, the nervousness shaking his voice a bit “What do we tell people? Are things going to be different now?”

“Well, we don’t have to tell anyone anything if you don’t want to. I mean, we can if you want to but if you don’t want to, well, that’s ok too” 

Steve’s voice was calming and Bucky eased into Steve’s touch. Bucky thought for a while. He knew no one else would really care-in fact, they’d probably be happy for them-but it still gave Bucky that overwhelming feeling that people were going to be watching him, judging him for what he wasn’t quite sure of himself. Eventually, Bucky shook his head ‘no’

“I don’t want to tell anyone-about us, I mean. Not yet. I just want it to be us for a while”

Bucky could hear the reassuring smile to Steve’s voice “That’s ok.” He kissed the top of Bucky’s head again “But we do still have to go”. Bucky groaned and Steve breathed out a laugh. He gave a small squeeze around Bucky’s waist and let go, reaching down for Bucky’s boots. He tapped the back of Bucky’s leg, pulling his foot into his lap. A grin played at Bucky’s lips as Steve pulled the heavy boot over his foot and tied the laces for him. Steve did the same with his other foot then reached out to hold Bucky’s hands in his own.   
He stood, pulling Bucky up with him. Bucky leaned forward and dropped his head onto Steve’s shoulder again with a tired sigh. He turned his head slightly and pressed his lips to Steve’s neck. 

Steve smiled and held Bucky a little closer “We’ll come back as soon as we’re done, I promise. Maybe if things are slow we can leave early, hmm?” 

Bucky smiled and nodded, nuzzling into Steve’s neck “I hope things are slow today”

Steve laughed and pulled away to look at Bucky. He smiled, saying “You’re unbelievable” and put his arm around Bucky’s shoulders as they left.


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky couldn’t help his grumbling, disappointed sigh as they pulled into the garage of the tower (they had taken the bike again at Bucky’s request). When Steve shut off the bike, Bucky made no move to get off, keeping his arms around Steve’s waist and his head on his shoulder. Steve had leaned back and turned a little to look at Bucky.

“You going to be ok today?”

Bucky had answered with a nod and one last squeeze before he reluctantly released Steve from the embrace. They got off and stood next to the bike for a second. Bucky had his hands down straight at his sides, preparing to distance himself from Steve for the day. He wondered what Steve thought about it. There were many times Bucky wished he could see what Steve saw-metaphorically and literally. Bucky was thinking, strategizing his plan for the day, and his face must have had something concerning in it because Steve had put his hand on Bucky’s arm gently.

“It’s going to be ok. I’ll still be right here if you need anything. And don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone unless you want to” He gave Bucky’s arm a comforting squeeze

Bucky had looked up then and nodded once “ok”

“Anything else before we go in?”

He thought for a moment before asking “One more hug?” with a hopeful but shy smile.

Steve had smiled and laughed brightly, pulling Bucky in warmly. Steve’s arms around Bucky felt strong and Steve had let his head rest on Bucky’s shoulder, turned in so his mouth was near Bucky’s neck. Bucky’s arms were draped lazily around Steve’s waist, but they drifted to encircle the other man tighter as he pressed his forehead into Steve’s shoulder.

“Steve?”

“Mmm?”

Bucky could hear his own voice timidly soft “What do I do today? Just act like nothing happened? Are we supposed to keep our distance from each other since it’s a secret?”

Steve breathed out a small laugh “Not necessarily. Just do whatever you’re comfortable with” he pressed a kiss to Bucky’s neck quickly “And if that means staying by my side or going off by yourself, it’s ok. You know I won’t mind.” Steve pulled away and Bucky let his arms drop from around him. “Don’t think of it as a secret-there’s nothing for you to be scared or nervous about. Nobody else would ever do anything to make you feel uncomfortable either.” They turned and walked into the building side by side, Steve still talking “Nobody is going to judge you for anything you’ve done-past or present-because they know you’re trying. You know that. We’re all here to help you if you need it.”  
A small smile had formed on Bucky’s lips. Maybe it was from the comforting sound of Steve’s voice. Maybe it was from the gentle feeling of Steve’s hand on the small of his back when they had first started walking. Maybe it was because now, even though Steve had pulled his hand away and they weren’t really touching anymore, their fingers would still brush together and sometimes Steve would let them linger. The small touches of physical contact were more reassuring than he ever would have thought. If he thought about it, it had only been a day and so much had happened.   
Steve’s encouraging words had transformed into more casual one-sided conversation as they made their way further into the building and passed more people. Miraculously, the elevator was empty as they made their way to the top of the facility. Bucky took the opportunity to lean heavily on Steve and let his head drop onto Steve’s shoulder. Steve fell silent as he brushed his lips over Bucky’s forehead and pulled hair away from his face.   
When the elevator doors opened, Bucky returned to his self-designated publicly acceptable distance from Steve; Close enough that others would know they were together but far enough away that no one would think they were…together. They, for lack of a better word, strolled (Steve had a way of making stressful things seem casual and not so bad) to the common area where Sam, Natasha and Tony were already lounging and awaiting their assignments for the day.   
In the beginning, Bucky had found it very difficult to trust these people that Steve called ‘friends’. Everyone already knew each other and he felt like the defective and unwanted toy that had been left for them to clean up after and deal with. Between Bucky’s periodic lapses of silences where he observed, there were lapses of silence because he still found talking to people difficult. He tried-he tried like hell-but sometimes it was just so much easier to stay quiet where he knew nobody would be upset by what he said, where he couldn’t hurt anybody.  
Of course, he was proud to say that there were little things that connected him with the others. Natasha was good at calming people down and she also spoke Russian; Both of which he was incredibly grateful for during and after his occasional panic attacks when he sometimes forgot English and reverted back to the Soldier’s language. Tony had helped tremendously with his arm when he first came and frequently did tune-ups for him-he had even changed the red star into Steve’s shield so Bucky didn’t have to look at it and be reminded of his past (although, no amount of Tony’s tinkering could fix what was already in his mind). Sam-well, Sam hadn’t really done much besides be a nice person which he would never not be thankful for. It was strange to think about, but his connection with Clint had been from teasing. Something about the lighthearted way Clint would poke at him made him smile and think that Clint would make a good father or a fun uncle. He had some small click with everyone on the team (although, no one could compare to Steve).  
Natasha was drinking coffee and raised her paper cup when they entered, her usual salute of ’good morning’. Tony was tapping away on his tablet and made no acknowledgement that they were there, which was also the usual. Sam and Steve exchanged ‘hey’s and engaged in some small talk as Steve and Bucky sat down on one of the couches (the same couch as one another, but keeping Bucky’s comfortable public distance, of course). Something in Bucky’s mind breathed a sigh of relief.

See? Everything will be fine. Just going to be a normal day.

Fury came in and started giving out the groups jobs for the day. There were no current threats, so everything was going to be small and easy. Bucky let his mind wander, knowing that he wouldn't have anything to do-his days usually consisted of sitting around doing nothing or wandering the tower and watching the others do their jobs. It wasn’t that they found Bucky to be useless or unfit for work (so he had been told) but rather that his time would be best spent focusing on mental healing and recovery. The only times he really did anything were the occasions in which humanity was threatened in some way and the Avengers were all called in; For whatever reason, they always let Bucky come along and help. Essentially, he was free to do absolutely nothing unless there was some kind of huge attack where he and the others would be needed.   
He had just started to wonder what he and Steve should have for dinner. Pizza? No, they had already had that this week. 

“Barnes”

Steak? Meh, too much effort and they might have to go to the store.

“Barnes”

Gyros? Nah, there was a great place on the corner but he didn’t really feel like it tonight.

“Barnes”

Spaghetti? Steve did make some excellent pasta and that sounded…

“Barnes!”

Bucky jumped and sucked in a loud gasp as he felt his heart rate spike with the sudden panic.

“Bucky?” He felt Steve’s hand on his arm, pulling him back into reality.

He turned his head to meet those familiar blue eyes. Right. Steve. Steve’s here, things are ok. Steve’s voice was soft and comforting. 

“It’s ok. It’s ok, just trying to get your attention is all”

Bucky let out the breath. Steve. Attention. Breathing.

“Right. Sorry. I was just…Sorry.”

He turned to look at Fury, who quirked an eyebrow but continued. As Fury spoke, Bucky felt Steve’s hand give a soft squeeze before sliding away.

“As I was saying, we’d like you to go with Cap today to help with some of the new trainees. You two work very well together and we’d like the recruits to see how that works and why it matters.”

Fury trailed off and gave Bucky a scrutinizing half-glare. Although the glare, Bucky knew, was semi-permanent.

“Something wrong with that?”

“You want me to-what-I-wait…” 

Bucky looked between Steve and Fury, understanding the task, but not why. He turned his gaze back and forth several times before settling on Steve. Steve had that small quirk on his lips where he was trying not to show just how much he really wanted to smile. 

“They want you to come with me today. Instead of sitting here by yourself”

Bucky looked back to Fury “Why?”

Fury raised an eyebrow again-as if he didn’t understand what there was to be confused about “Your past and personal lives aside, you and Rogers work excellently in the field together. We need the new guys to understand that this is a team and not just a job.”

Bucky looked around the room. Everyone else was just nodding and going about their business like the announcement was no big deal. 

“Look, if you don’t think you’re ready for it, it’s fine. We completely understand,”

Bucky shook his head and spoke quickly “No! I mean, yes. Well, not no as in-I mean yes…yes, I want to do it” Bucky could feel the embarrassed heat rising to his cheeks.

Fury shook his head and looked away but there was the hint of of a smile on his lips “Alright then.” He addressed the room now “Ok everybody, get to your assigned areas. Should be a pretty easy day, and if anything happens, you’ll know” He left with a short nod and the others started their separate ways. Steve still sat next to Bucky who made no move to get up. After a second, Bucky turned to look at him.

“Me?”

Steve had let some more of that smile through “Yeah. You” 

Bucky felt the corners of his lips pull up and he whispered “Ok”

* * * *  
Training the new guys with Steve was a very strange but exhilarating experience. Bucky would never complain that he got to spend all day working with Steve, but it was odd to think that he was actually helping to teach. They weren’t pretending to fight each other, like Bucky thought they would be doing. Instead, they were fighting off members of Tony’s ‘Iron Legion’ together. Steve would stop sometimes to explain something like fluidity or synchronization or trusting your partner. On a handful of occasions, Bucky even worked up the courage to add things on to what Steve had said or say something of his own.   
By the time they were finally finished for the day, there was still extra time before they were officially ‘off the clock’. They had packed up the gym and training area and were walking to the elevator when Bucky realized he and Steve were alone. The session hadn’t had a whole lot of people in it to begin with, but even the few stragglers had gone. There were still 3 hallways to walk down before actually reaching the elevator, which Bucky calculated to take a total of around 4 minutes and 15 seconds at their current pace. A giddy thought passed through Bucky’s mind. Alone time with Steve. For the first time all day. 4 whole minutes right now!  
Bucky took a step closer and leaned into Steve as they walked, hoping Steve would get the hint. 

Seriously? He gets the hint when even you don’t know what you want

Steve put his arm around Bucky’s shoulders and squeezed. Bucky could hear the smile playing on Steve’s lips when he spoke “You know what’s a shame?”

“Mmm?”

“I will never be able to express how proud of you I am.”

Bucky’s voice was small and cautious but his smile stayed in place “Really? Did I do ok?”

“You did better than ok-you were amazing today!”

“You’re not just sayin’ that are you?”

Steve laughed “Of course not. You were great out there. And I think all the new kids liked having you there too” 

“Could…Could I come back? And do it again sometime?”

Steve’s voice peaked with enthusiasm and he squeezed Bucky’s shoulder tightly “Absolutely! I mean, so long as that’s really what you wanted…” Steve chattered on about setting things up with Fury and working out a schedule as they reached the elevator. Bucky took the opportunity to wrap his arms around Steve’s waist and bury his face in Steve’s neck. Steve had shifted his arm around Bucky and was mindlessly combing through his hair while he talked. Bucky flicked his eyes up at the clock and let out a sigh. Still an hour left. Steve was still talking but Bucky decided he wouldn’t mind being cut off.

“…I bet there’s all kinds of things you could teach the-“

“Steve?”

“Hmm? What, sweetheart?

“Can we just go?”

There was a pause as Steve looked up at the clock and let out a laugh “Yeah. Let’s just go home”

Bucky closed his eyes and smiled. Steve had turned and was occupying the time by kissing the top of Bucky’s head softly “And Steve?”

He stopped briefly, letting his lips linger while he mumbled “Mmm?”

“Can you make spaghetti tonight? Please?”

Another laugh. Steve seemed to have a special laugh he reserved only for Bucky, he noticed. 

“Of course. Anything for you, Buck”

* * * * *  
Bucky watched from his stool at the counter while Steve stirred the sauce in the pan on the stove. There was a quiet idleness between them that wasn't tense or uncomfortable like so many other silences Bucky had experienced. He thought about the easiness in this moment; He and Steve just sitting here together without the need for conversation. He did’t feel like he had to say anything to keep up a conversation. There was that same small, easy smile to Steve’s lips that looked like genuine happiness. This was nice.   
Bucky allowed his mind to wander-mostly thinking about Steve. He could feel a smile pulling at his lips when he thought about the few days off they would have for the weekend and how that meant they could spend time together. Not long ago he would have been nervous about having to spend time with anyone-trying to figure out the right thing to say or do to keep himself on everyone’s good side- but now he was almost excited. He laughed at himself and the irony of it. It had only been a day-not even a full 24 hours actually-and so much had changed. The Bucky part of his mind was just happy that he had figured out what he really wanted and that it was Steve-Steve was a good thing to want. The Soldier part of his mind however…  
This situation is suspicious. The emotional changes have been too quick and easy-like they were planned. Must look for ulterior motive. Preserve emotions-current risk of uncertainty is too high. 

Remain alert. Look for any changes in behavior or body language. 

But Steve is right here. And he wouldn't play with you like that

The Soldier was right. All of this had happened too fast-any normal person could see that and would have been uncomfortable.

But Steve loves you. He told you so-multiple times

He did love Steve. So much. But people weren’t always what you thought. People changed, people could act, people followed their orders. Steve had probably been given some sort of mission to emotionally weaken Bucky so he would be easier to handle. Be someone that Bucky trusts so we can keep him under control. He didn’t like to think Steve would do anything like that but…  
Steve had turned around then, mouth opening to ask a question. When he turned, he was met by Bucky staring off into space with a concentrated glare. Steve tried to offer a little more of that gentle smile but Bucky was looking right through Steve like he wasn’t even there. 

“Bucky? You ok?” 

Bucky jumped at the sound of Steve’s voice. He had been so caught up in wondering why Steve was around that he had forgotten that Steve was actually standing right in front of him. Bucky blinked and looked up at Steve. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind.

“Sorry. I was just thinking.”

Steve’s smile was so gentle and caring…he couldn’t be faking. Right? And that concerned look behind his eyes that he was always trying to hide…

“You looked pretty…serious. Anything you want to talk about?”

The question made the ‘new bad feeling’ seize his chest a little. Was this something that he should discuss? Or keep to himself? He decided that Steve wasn’t on any sort of mission but that didn’t explain why he was still around…Bucky noticed his palms (well, the one that was capable of it) starting to sweat and he ran he hands over his pants in apprehension.

“I…I don’t…”

“You don’t know?” Steve supplied with the easy smile

Bucky could feel his cheeks flush. He looked down at his lap, disappointed “I guess I say that a lot.”

Steve had come around the counter and sat down on the stool next to Bucky “That’s ok, you’re learnin’. And you’re doing so good.” He put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and ran his thumb back and forth slowly “Hey…you know you can talk to me about anything, Bucky…look at me?”

Bucky pulled his gaze away from the fabric of his pants and up at Steve. He tried to smile at Steve but he knew the lightness didn’t reach his eyes. The endeavor was quickly abandoned. He looked back down and clasped his hands together. 

“It’s nothing. Just my brain being stupid is all.”

“Bucky…” Steve pulled Bucky’s flesh hand into his lap and squeezed softly “You’re not stupid. You’ve just got to relearn some stuff. What’s bothering you?”

Bucky gave a noncommittal shrug. 

You’re fine. You should have just left it alone.

It’s not your fault. Steve just wants to make sure you’re ok.

Steve was silent next to him and kept running his thumb along the back of Bucky’s hand. Bucky could feel the silence hanging in the air between them. It was his turn to speak. Steve would wait for him, he could feel it. He could hear the water in the pasta pot boiling on the stove and the smell of the sauce was wafting its way over lazily. He just wanted to forget about the grey thoughts in his mind-the dark thoughts that wouldn’t allow him to stay blissfully ignorant or at peace for too long. He wanted to sit here and have dinner with Steve and not think about it.   
He quickly flicked his gaze up at Steve and back down. Steve had the same face as before; Soft smile with concern behind the eyes. It was time to speak. Say anything and Steve will understand.

“I…I don’t want to talk about it…”

Steve didn’t say anything.

“Just…not right now…please…I don’t want to think about it.”

He managed to look up at Steve then. Steve still looked scared for him. Steve still hadn’t said anything. Steve…  
Bucky wasn’t sure what his own face looked like, but he hoped he could convince Steve to ignore the matter for now.

“Please, Steve? I just want to eat dinner and go to bed”

Steve nodded after a second “Ok. Ok, I just don’t want you thinking you’re alone here. I’m here for you. Whether it’s as a friend” Steve squeezed Bucky’s hand here “something more” he loosened his grip softly “or something less, I’ll always take care of you. Whatever you need or want.”

“I know” Bucky nodded and dropped his head onto Steve’s shoulder.

Steve drew his arm around Bucky’s waist and rested his hand on his hip, saying “ok” softly.

A few beats passed and Bucky turned his head to look up at Steve “Can we eat now?” He drew himself closer and nuzzled into Steve’s neck “Please? I’m getting hungry”

Bucky could here the smile returning to Steve’s voice when he spoke “How could I ever say no to you?” He pressed a soft, slow kiss to Bucky’s cheek before standing.

Steve walked around the counter and stirred the pasta and sauce one last time. Bucky crossed his arms and slouched on the countertop, resting his chin on his arms, and watched as Steve turned off the stove and drained the pasta water. His eyes tracked Steve’s movements across the kitchen lazily. Everything about the moment had turned easy and right and the only thing the mattered anymore was Steve carrying a single large bowl of pasta and two forks over to the couch. He slowed down briefly to trail his fingers down Bucky’s metal arm, prompting him to follow.

Steve sat on his usual side of the couch, casually leaning up against the armrest. Bucky had situated himself laying across the length of the couch with his head in Steve’s lap. Something was playing on the TV but neither noticed or cared. The world outside and time itself did not exist. Bucky lived in this moment with Steve’s fingers running through his hair and the occasional bite of spaghetti Steve would feed him. Everything was irrelevant. The dark thoughts in Bucky’s mind itched to torment but he pushed them away; He would deal with them later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long for this chapter! didn't realize how busy I had been until I saw how long ago my last post was! Hope this makes up for it!


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky pulled back into consciousness slowly; He felt like an old computer coming online after being turned off for a a few days too long. He squeezed his eyes tightly and stretched his back stiffly. His head was resting on something-hard but soft at the same time-and he could faintly smell something comforting. There was the same hazy blankness over his mind as before where he couldn’t quite remember what he had been doing, where exactly he was or how long he had been asleep. The Soldier part of his mind desperately wanted to take over and tell him that he should be very concerned; That he should immediately wake up and be alert. The other part of his mind, that had softened some of the harshness from before, told him that he was safe and happy. He stretched again with a quiet groan and opened his eyes, blinking as his vision focused. Steve’s image swam into view and he knew the second part of his brain was the correct one.  
Steve was asleep. His snore was quiet and even and Bucky took comfort in the sight, curling up and turning in a little closer. Though the evidence was long gone, this angle of Steve’s face reminded Bucky of that horrible day so many months ago. They were on the helicarrier. Bucky was on top of Steve and had kept hitting him with that awful metal fist of his. He had seen the way cuts and bruises blossomed under his artificial hand. He remembered screaming back to Steve that he didn’t know him; HYDRA had hurt him for knowing Steve and made it clear that that wasn’t allowed-Steve was his mission and that was final. Remembered how Steve had just given up under him-no, it wasn’t that he had given up. He refused to fight back, refused to protect himself against something he thought was a friend. Idiot.  
Bucky reached up slowly with his flesh hand and grazed Steve’s chin with his finger. He remembered seeing a deep cut there. His thumb ran lightly over Steve’s cheekbone. Something had cracked under his punches here. He could still see every cut, bruise, and stitch that he had caused. Steve’s lip had been swollen and blotted with ugly, unnatural looking colors for a long time. He knew because he had watched Steve from around corners and across streets trying to figure out things he still didn’t know. Bucky had let his hand wander of its own accord over Steve’s features and they came to rest on those now-perfect lips. Steve’s even breaths blew lightly over his fingers and feeling Steve so alive did strange, wonderful things to his heart.  
He remembered this. He had been here like this before, more than once even. It was in their apartment…before. He could still hear the patter of rain on the windows. Winter was just melting away but it made everything wet and so freezing cold that Steve had gotten sick. His body had been so cold and frail and he was shivering so hard Bucky could see it from across the room. He remembered thinking ‘No, not my Stevie. Not sick again’. He had pulled Steve in to share his bed that night despite Steve’s arguments of “c’mon Buck, ‘m fine. Really”. He had woken up in the middle of the night with Steve curled up next to him, head lying on his chest and he had brushed his fingers over Steve’s lips and felt the first even breaths he had taken in days. It was right after Steve had saved him from the HYDRA facility in the war. Their first night back at the camp and they had been alone for the first time in a long time. Bucky couldn’t stop staring at Steve and his new body. Steve had fallen asleep and Bucky had reached over, not able to believe that he was real, feeling the breath across his lips. It was the night Bucky found himself at Steve’s apartment after being on the run for months. He knew Steve was looking for him. Something had told him that Steve was important, that Steve was going to be a part of his life now. He had gotten close-too close-and the air drifted across his fingers, warm and even. It was when Steve had fallen asleep on the couch right after Bucky had moved in. He was slumped over the armrest and hadn’t moved or made a sound. Bucky was scared that Steve wouldn’t wake up, that he would be alone and scared and confused again.  
Steve’s eyes blinked open slowly and it took a moment for Bucky to register his being awake and conscious. Waking up with someone’s hand on your face couldn’t not be alarming no matter how you put it. Bucky pulled his hand away.  
Steve looked around, dazed, for a moment before looking down at Bucky. He seemed to visibly relieve a bit.

“Hey, Buck” His voice was quiet and raspy from sleep “How long have you been up?”

“A few minutes” Bucky whispered “I…” He swallowed with a hint of nervousness “I think I woke you up. I was touching you…I’m sorry”

Steve’s tired smile was genuine “Nothin’ to be sorry for, sweetheart.” He watched Bucky’s eyes focus and refocus “Remembering things?” Bucky nodded. Bucky didn’t realize his hand was hovering between them until Steve took it in his and gave a gentle squeeze. He watched Steve bring his hand up to his mouth and smile. “You can touch me whenever you want. Whether it’s out of curiosity or if you’re trying to figure something out or just because you want to.” He made sure to look deep into Bucky’s eyes “Really. Ok?”

Bucky nodded “Ok” 

Steve held Bucky’s hand to his lips and Bucky slowly let his hand unfold to trace over them again. His other hand rested on Bucky’s stomach, trailing mindless circles with his fingertips. Bucky shifted to lay flat on his back and more easily travel his hand over Steve’s perfect and beautiful features. He brought his metal hand up too, experimenting with the different touches. There were sensors in the metal so he could feel pressure but it was so different from his real hand. Steve let his hand drop to Bucky’s head and started absently playing with his hair. 

“Steve?”

“Hmm?”

He ran his flesh fingertips over Steve’s left cheekbone “I broke this” his metal index finger rested along the right side of Steve’s jaw “and this”. His voice was barely above a whisper and shaky.

Steve’s voice was nonchalant “It’s ok. I heal fast”

“Did it hurt?”

“I don’t really remember”

“Oh” Bucky continued to run his hands over Steve’s face, testing pressures and feelings. The intense focus slowly melted away. He let his thumbs rest on Steve’s lips again. “Steve?”

“Mmm?”

“What does kissing really mean?” Steve blinked, taken aback at the bluntness of the question, and dropped his gaze down. Bucky’s face was of genuine innocence and curiosity. 

“I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking, Buck”

Bucky’s face twisted slightly in thought “Well…sometimes people kiss a lot and sometimes it seems really rare. Then some people seem to kiss everybody while other people only kiss one other person. And sometimes…” he trailed off slightly, thinking “sometimes they seem unimportant and get thrown around but other times they seem really meaningful”

“Well…” Steve thought for a moment while he toyed with Bucky’s hair “I guess it depends on the person and the situation and how they personally feel about it. Some people like to show everyone their love and others prefer to hold their kisses for the person they really care about. Sometimes kisses can hold a lot of meaning and significance but you only really know if you’re the one feeling it.”

“Oh” There was a long pause as Bucky thought over this new information “What about you? Do you…kiss people…often?”

Steve breathed out a laugh “No, not in a long time. I guess…I guess I don’t like to throw them around. I mean, I think it’s important to show everyone you meet that they matter but as far as kissing goes…I like to save them”

“You’ve kissed me a lot” Bucky’s voice was neutral and observant. When Steve focused his gaze back down, he saw the same innocence as was in the statement on Bucky’s face. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess I have lately”

“But it’s different…with you”

Steve could see Bucky’s eyes flickering between his eyes and his lips. Bucky’s face took on a confused and slightly angry look. Steve knew that look; The confusion was from not understanding and the anger was for being confused. Steve always thought Bucky was too hard on himself when he didn’t quite understand something. 

He tried to send comfort through his fingers while he combed back Bucky’s hair. “What’s going on in there?” he tapped his thumb on Bucky’s forehead lightly. Bucky pressed his lips into a thin line and squinted in thought. Steve tried again

“Still thinking about kisses?” Bucky nodded “What about them?”

“I don’t remember what they mean. I remember that it was important…symbolic…but I don’t remember why”

“Well, a kiss is one of the first intimate ways that people can show that they care about each other. Usually it’s something really private and meaningful between the two”

Bucky spoke slowly “I think…I think I agree with you-that they should be saved for the important people.” Bucky sucked in a large breath. He looked up at Steve and licked his lips nervously “I remember something else”

“Ok” Steve ran his thumb aimlessly across Bucky’s cheekbone. Bucky swallowed visibly and Steve made sure to keep his eye contact soft and comforting “Whatever it is, it’s ok. I promise”

“I…I remember wanting to kiss you…but we weren’t allowed to.” Bucky licked his lips again nervously “Can I ask you something?” 

“Of course, anything.”

“C-can I…kiss you…? Like before, but…you know…different…”

Steve pulled back slightly, trying to make eye contact. He could feel Bucky tensing up and could practically see his mind starting to crack in on itself. Bucky was already fumbling over his words and trying to take it back

“No-never mind-I-it’s ok-i mean-“

“Shh” Steve held Bucky’s face in his hands softly and pressed his thumb firmly against his mouth. “I’d love to” The small smile of Steve’s was genuine and soft and it made him a little proud to see Bucky relax. He let his thumb drift back and forth over Bucky’s lips easily. 

“Are…Are you sure?” Bucky’s voice shook but Steve saw the hope behind his eyes “Really?”

Steve bent and pressed his lips to Bucky’s forehead, soft and chaste “Really” He pulled away to look deeply into the other’s eyes “Whenever you’re ready, I will be too”

A smile bloomed across Bucky’s face and he sat up a little, leaning against the arm of the couch with his back over Steve’s lap. “I’m ready now”

“Buck…” Some of the light faltered in Bucky’s eyes. The same soft, reassuring smile returned to Steve’s face and Bucky eased, if he did look a little hurt. Steve returned his one hand to Bucky’s stomach and let the other drift to the back of his neck and tangle into the soft hair he had previously been toying with. He made sure to look deeply into Bucky’s eyes “I want to but we don’t have to do it now if you don’t want to. Don’t do it for me, ok? If you really want to, it should be because it feels right to you.” He pulled Bucky in to kiss his forehead again “I just don’t want you to be overwhelmed if you're not ready or don’t quite understand yet. I’ve waited years and I don’t mind waiting a little longer.”

Bucky nodded “But I want to. I really want to. Now.” His voice quieted and he looked down “You’re the only thing I’m sure of” He pulled away slightly to look up at Steve through his lashes with eyes of hope and a hint of uncertainty “Can I? Please?” He bit down on his bottom lip nervously, obviously waiting for Steve to say no.  
Steve smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of Bucky’s head. He let his lips linger in Bucky’s hair while he spoke “You know, you can’t kiss very well if you keep chewing on your lip like that”  
Bucky pulled back quickly, his face lighting up. He looked up at Steve with the question in his eyes again. Steve only smiled and gave a small nod. He bent to meet Bucky, who was leaning forward, and their lips met softly. Steve could feel the happiness radiating off the man next to him as the kiss deepened. He turned his head slightly and their mouths slipped together perfectly.  
Bucky put his hand on Steve’s chest and felt the steady beating. He fisted the shirt in his hand and pulled Steve closer. Bucky couldn’t explain this feeling; It felt so long and awaited and just so…right. He pushed up into Steve desperately, unable to get enough. Bucky allowed himself to revel in the thought and felt himself smiling as his lips moved with Steve’s.

This is it. This is where you’re supposed to be.

Steve slowed their pace and pulled away, breathing a little heavier than normal, and leaned his forehead against Bucky’s. Bucky looked up at him and saw his eyes closed. A pin of uncertainty pricked at Bucky’s heart.

“N-no?” he asked nervously.

Steve breathed out a laugh “Perfect”. He opened his eyes and looked down at Bucky then, eyes teary and smile wide “You’re perfect”. He laid a soft, short kiss on Bucky’s forehead “So beautiful” a kiss over his eye “Love” his other eye “you” pressing long, slow, and sweet to Bucky’s lips “I love you so much”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the hiatus! Basically, I'm the piece of trash that got too wrapped up in work to remember to update but here is my apology!

Bucky’s starting to care significantly less about how and where he wakes up. The trend lately is that it’s been in Steve’s arms and he’s decided that he’s more than okay with that. Of course, the Soldier’s part of his brain always jerks him awake for a moment to tell him to go into high-alert but it’s gotten easier to push that part away-something Bucky isn’t quite sure whether to be grateful or scared about.  
They’re still on the couch when he wakes up, but this time it’s because Steve is moving. He feels strong arms wrap under his legs and around his back to pull him close as Steve shifts his weight. He hears a near-silent grunt as Steve stands and suddenly Bucky is weightless again. He doesn’t open his eyes but he does turn in to bury his face in Steve’s chest.

“Aren’t you gonna get tired of carrying me around?” he mumbles almost inaudibly against the muscle.

Steve pauses and Bucky can feel Steve looking down at him. He breathes out a gentle, tired laugh as he rounds the couch and turns to start down the hallway “I’d never get tired of you, Buck”

He drapes his arms lazily around Steve’s neck “You don’t have to-carry me, I mean. I can walk myself to bed” he protests weakly, with no intention of moving.

Steve laughs “But were you really planning on it?”

“Mmmf. Shut up” he mumbles and nuzzles in closer.

“Hey, Buck…” Steve’s feet slow and then stop toward the end of the hall and Bucky knows he’s standing between their bedroom doors, unsure of which way to go.

“My room” Bucky mumbles sleepily without thinking

Steve turns into the room and carefully deposits Bucky on the bed. He starts to pull away but Bucky keeps his hold and tries to pull him back. “Stay…?” he asks, the first hint of nervousness creeping back into his voice.  
Steve kisses his temple, soft and slow “I’m not going anywhere. Promise” He crawls onto the bed and Bucky turns to bury his face in the crook of his neck. Steve wraps his arms around Bucky, pulling him close. He tangles his fingers in Bucky’s hair again and holds his head comfortingly.  
“What time is it?” Bucky grumbles sleepily.  
There is a pause as Steve turns to look at the clock on the bedside table “Little after 11”  
“Do we have to go to work in the morning?”  
Steve breathes out a laugh “Nope. No, we do not”  
Bucky smiles sleepily again and relaxes further into Steve’s arms. “Blanket?” he hears as he feels Steve tugging at the covers beneath them. He nods and shifts slightly as Steve pulls the blankets down and back over them. With the covers situated, Steve opens his arms invitingly and Bucky draws himself back without a second thought. He melts against Steve in the best ways possible and he knows he never wants these kinds of moments to end.  
His half-conscious mind wanders, thinking of other things that had changed since he had stopped trying to be the Soldier; Since he had really found Steve. He hated being confused all the time and feeling useless or like people were always looking at him but…Steve was right. He had done some good things and made progress. He achieved things he hadn’t even known existed when he was with Hydra. He realized these were the kinds of things Steve would be proud of him for. These were the kinds of things that made Steve happy-to hear Bucky progressing and letting himself feel new things.  
“Steve?” he mumbles sleepily  
“Hmm?”  
“Did they ever let you read my file? From before?”  
“Mm-hmm” Steve affirms  
“Did you know they let me read it?”  
“I knew they let you see some” Steve yawned “Did you get to read all of it?”  
Bucky nodded “I think so. You know some of what it says in there?”  
“Mmm?”  
Bucky could still see the words on the page, could still feel the file in his hands “‘The weapon will have no reason to seek comfort and will have only enough conscious self-preservation to keep itself functioning. It will operate solely according to its needs to function at best performance’” he snuggles closer to Steve “That was from when they were first making me-some of their first ideas on how to keep me in line.”  
Steve runs his hand up and down Bucky’s arm and pulls him close “I’m sorry, Buck. I’m so sorry they did this to you.” His voice shook on the last few words.  
Bucky gives a small shrug “It’s not your fault” He shifts so he can lay his head more comfortably against Steve’s shoulder. He freezes for a second, realizing what he had said, and cuts Steve off before he can start “Don’t, Steve. Don’t go there. Please.” He kisses the inside of Steve’s neck “Please.” 

He already knew where Steve was heading; That place of self-deprecation whenever the subject of Bucky’s fall came up. Steve hated himself every moment of the day for not reaching just a little farther, for not jumping after Bucky. His guilt had only been amplified when he came out of the ice alive and he realized how much he could live through and be perfectly fine. Steve was convinced that the usual punishment he could withstand from any mission with the Avengers was easily a thousand times worse than jumping off the train would have been. Bucky’s memories were still coming back and some of the ones he had were spotty but he couldn’t see himself ever hating Steve for anything. After all, Bucky was the one who had fallen. Hydra was responsible for everything that had happened after. Despite Bucky’s reassurances that he was ok and it wasn’t Steve’s fault, he knew Steve would probably never forgive himself for it. In the same way that Bucky couldn’t forgive himself for nearly killing Steve (multiple times) despite Steve’s trying to convince him that it didn’t matter and he knew Bucky wasn’t in control. 

He hears Steve’s whispered, defeated reply of “ok” and goes on.

“I remember…They wouldn’t let me out of cryo long enough to do anything outside of the mission because they didn’t want to risk me finding something familiar-comforting. They thought if I had likes or dislikes…they might be the same as they used to be-I might start remembering things. I’m not-I wasn’t- allowed to like things but…” he peeks up at Steve “I like this. You.” Steve’s eyes are wet like he’s about to cry again but his small smile is one the most beautiful things Bucky has ever seen. “I don’t know if I loved you before-it’s hard to remember but I think I did-but I know I love you now”  
“Oh, Bucky…” Steve brushes his hair back away from his face and runs his thumb over Bucky’s cheekbone “I love you, too” he presses a kiss to Bucky’s forehead. “I love you so, so much”  
“Steve?”  
“Hmm?”  
“I like hearing you say that”  “I love you, Bucky” a kiss to Bucky’s forehead “I’ll say it ’til the day I die, Buck”

 

“Steve?”  
“Yeah?”  
“I want to kiss you again” Bucky looks up through his eyelashes “is that ok?”  
Steve’s smile is simple and perfect when he pulls back to look at Bucky and says “Theres nothing I’d like more”. He gently holds Bucky’s chin between his finger and thumb and draws him closer. Bucky’s eyes droop closed and the corners of his mouth pull up into a grin as his nose brushes against Steve’s. He can’t see, but he’ sure Steve’s closed his eyes in the moment too.  
Their lips meet slowly and that feeling from before comes back. Bucky smiles again against Steve’s lips and knows that this is a good feeling. 

This is it. This is where you’re supposed to be.

Steve’s hand comes up to gently frame Bucky’s jaw and he strokes his thumb along Bucky’s cheekbone. Bucky lets his mouth move with Steve’s as if by instinct; turning his head to get a better angle, pushing back with varying pressures, playing his lips across Steve’s with kisses that are small and quick or deep and slow. He can’t seem to get over how it all feels so perfect. But still…he wants more. He breathes out the words between hurried kisses, unable to keep his mouth off Steve’s.

“Steve…Steve, I want…to try…something”

“M-hm…go for it, Buck”

Even with the permission, Bucky experiments with a few more closed-mouth kisses before finally parting his lips and letting his tongue trace along the seam of Steve’s. Steve parts his lips willingly, so Bucky takes his time leisurely exploring the inside of his mouth. After a while, he feels Steve’s tongue start to play back against his own. Bucky’s heart flutters and he pulls himself closer to Steve, everything slow, languid, and full of the ‘good feeling’.  
Bucky’s not sure how much time they waste kissing, but he doesn’t really care. He’s not sure when any of it happened, but he found his leg had hitched up over Steve’s outer thigh, Steve’s fingers had tangled into his hair, and there was a pleasant lack of clothing over Steve’s stomach where his shirt had been pushed up. One of the few things he’s regretfully aware of, however, is that his shoulder hurts. He had been laying on his left side and the weight of his body had started to pull at the skin-to-metal seam that cut across his chest and shoulder. He had noticed the pressure some time ago, but had opted to ignore it in favor of kissing Steve. Now…the strain had grown a little too much. 

You have to move. There’s no reason for pain right now.

The voice in his head was right. He tries to shift to a new position and relieve the pressure as subtly as possible. He doesn’t want to disturb Steve and definitely doesn’t want the kissing to stop for something so minor. Bucky tries to tug the arm out from under him, but the position is already awkward and he doesn’t know where to move it to. Anxious to get it over with, he yanks the arm out from under himself and feels a stinging heat flare all along the bonded area between skin and metal. He jerks away from Steve and lets out a startlingly loud and pained yelp.  
Steve’s still for a second, stunned, before he crawls back over to Bucky with that same worried look he always seems to get. “Bucky? Buck, what happened?  
Bucky takes a breath as the pain starts to dissolve away “N-nothing…just…my arm. It hurts” He sits up against the headboard and watches as he flexes his metal fingers. No damage. Well done, Soldier. Steve sits up as well, still holding that concerned look in his eye. Bucky glances up at him and shakes his head “M’fine. Just layin’ on it wrong.”

“What can I do?”

Bucky offers a shy but playful smile “kiss me again?”

Steve gives him a quick peck on the forehead before pulling back “You sure you’re ok?” He turns to face Bucky and scans his face “We can take a break if you want. I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“I’m sure. It’s ok now-just stung was all”

Steve looks a bit skeptical along with the worry so Bucky feels the need to justify himself.

“Really Steve, I just wasn’t paying enough attention to it. It’s fine”

Silence.

“I’ll do better with it, I promise”

Steve’s face doesn’t look upset. Just blank, which is somehow even worse. Bucky’s stomach twists a bit and he can feel his voice start to crack when he asks “Are you mad at me?”

Steve’s brows knit together just the slightest as his expression shifts into confusion “Bucky, why would I be mad at you?” Bucky sucks his bottom lip into his mouth and starts to chew on it nervously. Steve reaches under Bucky’s chin and thumbs over Bucky’s mouth, gently tugging Bucky’s lip out of his teeth. “Come on, baby, talk to me. Why do you think I would be mad?”

“Because…I didn’t tell you when it started to hurt…I scared you…”

Steve clucks his tongue sympathetically and lets his hand float down to Bucky’s. “Buck, you didn’t do anything wrong.” he shakes his head briefly “If anything, I’m sorry that I scared you into thinking I was upset. I just want to make sure I’m taking care of you, ok?”

“Ok” he whispers

Steve reaches up and tenderly strokes back and forth along Bucky’s cheekbone again and Bucky can’t help but lean into the touch. A minute or so passes and they just look at each other, studying the other’s face. Bucky can only stand so little contact for so long though.  
He leans in and kisses Steve’s cheek slowly. Steve offers another of his grand smiles and turns his face in to kiss Bucky properly. Surprisingly, the kisses stay relatively slow-there’s a sort of leisurely passion to all of it and Bucky relaxes against Steve easily. Feeling bold, Bucky pulls himself closer and crawls onto Steve’s lap, straddling him. A bundle of nerves spike and part of him is screaming 

This isn’t safe. What if Steve doesn’t want this. What if Steve doesn’t want you. 

Of course, that thought is gone the instant Steve settles one hand on Bucky’s hip, the other playing through his long hair. Bucky finds himself smiling as he relaxes into Steve and keeps up their leisurely game.

They slow their kisses and eventually stop, laying back down with Bucky on Steve’s chest. Steve resettles the blankets over top of them and gives Bucky one last kiss on the forehead as they settle in for the night. 

“Steve?”

“Hmm?”

“I have a dilemma” Bucky gives a playful grin as he says it

Steve gives a chuckle “Oh? And what is that?”

“I think I like you too much”

As dilemmas go, it could definitely be worse.

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure how many chapters this will end up being but let's just roll with it, eh? Hit me up with ideas or suggestions


End file.
